Strength isn't just a word.

Life is hard at the moment. School is stressful because my panics are holding me back resulting in Low attendance and teachers becoming concerned. I look back at my life 3 years ago and I look at it now and I feel shocked. How the hell did my life amount to this. Not having my brother, my dream to be a journalist seeming impossible,and barely having any good friends or anyone to have fun with . It's sad really because this is not what I pictured my life to be like. It just feels like my life is getting worse and worse resulting in me sometimes wishing it could all end. It may sound dramatic to some but you would have to feel what I do to understand which makes this situation even harder. The fact that my friends, people who wonder what the helps wrong with me and teachers can't possibly feel or know of what I am feeling inside and what goes on in my house makes it hard for the them to know why I don't go in. I wish I could have my life back to normal as it was but its never going to happen.

Sometimes I just want to turn back time to when I was at my happiest, when Leon was here. Growing up was amazing, as I wrote this I get some of those feelings back those lovely, comforting feelings. Sometimes I feel like I don't want to grow up if it means kissing goodbye to the memories. I just don't get why it had to be me, why my family, why my brother. To this day I still ask that question. I also ask will I ever get to a stage where I feel happy again.

The Only this that is keeping me going Is that I have a dream to be a journalist a dream I've had ever since I was little. I've always been fond of the news and take n a real interest. When I was younger I always had a weird obsession with Sit Trevor McDonald my grandparents told me of how when I was younger and the news came on with Trevor I hid behind the door because I thought that Trevor could see me in my nappy!

So that's where it all began and to this day I still have that passion although I've come to terms with the fact that Trevor can't really see me so I don't have to hide behind doors anymore. I hope I get there one day because I am stronger than this and I know I would never forgive myself if I let my nerves and everything that's happened to me destroy my chances. It's not gonna be an easy ride, I learnt that a long time ago but I have to do this I have to be on people's TV screens when there having lunch or eating dinner reporting the News I just have to!

If people like Nelson Mandela can be Held in captivity for two decades and then become the president anyone can do anything and the world really is our oyster.

Are all teenagers rebellious criminals?

What springs to mind when you think of teenagers?
Good, sensible,responsible contributors to society? Or useless,waste of space,crime committing thugs? I found a BBC debate website and this was the exact topic being highlighted. One person had described how they are a tall teenager with no criminal past or record and had simply walked on to a tram sat next to a lady who had then instantly edged away from the person on her seat. Me being a teenager myself can safely say that not all teenagers are like they are portrayed to be mainly in the 'lovely' I say sarcastically media. There are sensible well behaved teens out there however from personal experience all I see being expressed in the media is the next stabbing of a teenager of whom in the end the guilty one being sent down for life ended up being a 15 year old claiming to have been brought up in a rough environment condoning the evil senseless crime he committed.

Image is key also. I know that if I was on a quiet street and I saw a group of hoodies standing there, my subconscious would make me cross over to avoid any possible muggings or worse violence. These teens may be in fact harmless and just hanging out as teens do but it's our instant reaction and the fact that we see an image that matches the stereotype and we immediately cross over like we're prey escaping the carnivores. I am not for one second saying that we should trust every teen and drop that stereotype all together because let's face it this image does exist and is real in society today, the times that my nan would speak about of which you could leave your front door keys in your door and nip a few doors down to a neighbours are well and truly over! A high percentage of teens do contribute to overall crime rates in the UK however 2009/10 figures show that at least triple the amount of males committed offences to females a lot of it mainly being robberies and burglaries.

Do you feel teenagers are under this stereotype? And more importantly do you feel victimised by teenagers?

Dreams

I often dream of my brother, most of the time they feel so real as if he was actually here with me. The dreams affect me greatly that sometimes I wake up thinking he's here and that everything that happened wasn't real, I almost feel relief for a second until I find that my worst nightmare was infact reality and that my brother isn't here to squeeze with relief because I though he was gone in my dream, he's not here to have a laugh with anymore. Last night I dreamt that he was still here but seriously Ill, I was worried sick about him, I wanted to protect him but this time it was out often hands, he was gonna go so we had to make the most of the time he had left. Leon and I were out firstly with my dad and then my grandad we were messing around and having fun, I felt normal inside. I hugged his little body I felt his heart beating. It got to night time we were at my nans and about to go to bed. Before we went to bed I didn't want to let him go, I told him that he was the best thing that happened to me because ever since he was brought into my life I'd only had joy and some of the best memories I will ever have.

I woke in real life after feeling really sad, I can feel my heart racing and the back of my throat hurting as I write this. I also felt relieved that it was all over. Dreams are so powerful, my dream reminded me of what a funny,amazing,special boy my brother is.xx

Nick Clegg On LBC. Was it enough?

I recently started my show on YouTube Talking With Tayo of which focus' on different topics and allows viewers to interact and contribute their views towards the subject. For my first episode I decided to focus on Nick Clegg's appearance on LBC 97.3(London's Biggest Conversation) taking place every Thursday morning for what I thought was an hour however turned out to be a very short and 'sweet' half an hour. First of all I felt that yes it was a big step in politics to have such a high figure not only do something like this but also be brave enough to face people with grilling questions wanting answers. It's fair to say its not been the best year for Mr Clegg he lost a lot of trust from not only his voters but also his own party. In my eyes it was always going to go this way, politics is a tough game with parties fighting different causes with completely different agendas. So you ask yourself the question how can two different parties work together and suddenly become this big team with one view, one opinion and agree on the same plan. It would never be that simple. Do you feel that Nick Clegg making these appearances was a way to try and build up the lost trust again? John a member of the lib dems spoke of how he tore up his party membership, this speaks volumes!

My mum had rung in the night before the first phone in as she wanted to speak of how she was being forced to go back to work just a year after we had lost my brother. She had written to both David Cameron and Nick Clegg and in return had received the same letter I say off both but we all know it wasn't them. This was truly appalling and my mum wanted answers as to why a mum a year after she has lost her son should be made to go back to work after such trauma especially when she knew in herself she just wasn't ready!

Of course we didn't get a call back but listening to the phone in and the fact that someone was aloud on to enquire whether Mr Clegg wears a onesie was seriously outrageous. Nick Clegg went on to answer hard hitting serious questions and the fact that my mum had one and this person had rung to ask a meaningless question and was aloud through really does sum up the purpose of the phone in. To have a laugh and hopefully win over voters again by trying to fit in with current trends and express how very much you love them.

I would love to know what you all think, do you vote lib dem? Have you lost trust? Did you feel the phone in was enough?

Thank you
Tayox

SchoolStress!

I would be lieing if I said that my GCSE'S were a walk in the park. If a walk in the park involved many tears, doubt, and the big S word..Stress! During my GCSE'S I was 3 years into grieving my brothers death and trying to also deal with the panic attacks I had developed and its fair to say they have changed my life. It's hard to go from such a normal life, being able to do normal simple things like sit in a classroom or an assembly hall for a long period of time to barely being able to manage a minute without panicking. I developed almost this phobia of silence, during a panic I would become really hot, my heart would race, my stomach would turn and after I would feel tired. I know it sounds absolutely nuts and I am sure there are a select few amount of people who will think the exact same but at the same time they aren't me and will never know how I feel and what my body goes through when I start to panic. I tried a lot of things to try and control the panic such as going to an NHS centre for children and adolescents , the doctors, hypnotherapy and CBT(cognitive behavioural therapy. I hated being different to everyone else not being able to sit in a lesson and having to sit in a room on my own day after day practically teaching myself. A teacher even told me that a particular subject I was doing wasn't a self taught subject however in the end I got an A in that subject. It's fair to say I had my fair share of issues with teachers who didn't quite get it. But me getting through my GCSE'S on my own proved I could do anything, I truly believe my brother was with me helping me and giving me strength. My friends Alex and Ciaran helped me through they were my saviours. They helped me escape everything they also helped me to laugh uncontrollably. They weren't only my best friends they were brothers. Myself and Alex fell out last year before we recieved our GCSE results in the summer. We had our differences, however he said he couldn't take my problems. It hurt me firstly because I couldn't help what had happened to me I was a normal as he was or anyone else and then I had someone I loved to the ends of the universe and back ripped away from me. I felt it was cruel and hurtful.

Everything has made me feel weak but I know that I have become very strong. My dream is to achieve and become the journalist and newscaster that I crave to be. And I know I will get there.

I made it through my GCSE's and I am now in sixth form. Again it hasn't been easy it is extremely hard and I had people asking and telling me that I may become unstuck in uni because of my nerves. This had set me back even more but I felt I have come so far and I am still here stepping outside my house. If I can laugh and have a good time even after my heart was broken and I felt I wouldn't be able to get out of bed again I think I can manage university.

Some say you don't know what you have until its gone. I know what I had and I loved every minute having him in my life right from 1998 when my brother was brought to this earth. My advice to people is to not spend each day like its your last but live each day wisely with the people you love. My mum and I have almost finished our book about my brother and I can't wait for it to be complete so people can share our story about a very special boy.

Tayo x