Its important to keep yourself busy during christmas. If you sit stairing at four walls all season you will drive yourself crazy. Its ok to feel sad, its really painful spending christmas without your loved one. In my house hold we will try and laugh and be strong for each other but theres always going to be someone missing, theres always an emptyness. Even when I go down stairs to open my presents, theres just one stack there instead of two. Its hard to adjust when you've lost someone at christmas. The best way to describe loss in general truthfully is like having your heart ripped out. Its like having a part of you taken and Leon was and still is a part of me. Hearts are fragile, living with a broken one hurts. My heart is still broken three years on and it will continue to for a long time. You learn to cope but there will always be a part missing.
Recently my mum and I have sorted Leon's room out. This was a hard thing to do and it has taken 3 years to pluck up the courage. We still have all his things in there as they were, all his beloved football stuff, clothes, toys, everything. We wanted to try and turn it in to a place where we can go and sit quietly. A peaceful place. We put fairy lights in there and bean bags.
Ive had some real lows in Leon's room where i've been tears going mad because I wanted to be able to just give him another cuddle but I knew I couldn't. Ive sat in there and spoken to him because I know he's listening. I still hear him in my head shouting 'TAYO'.
The Christmas tree still goes up because we know Leon would want that. After all he loved christmas and although he's not here in flesh, he's here in spirit.xxx
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