The 'festive' seasonx

Its important to keep yourself busy during christmas. If you sit stairing at four walls all season you will drive yourself crazy. Its ok to feel sad, its really painful spending christmas without your loved one. In my house hold we will try and laugh and be strong for each other but theres always going to be someone missing, theres always an emptyness. Even when I go down stairs to open my presents, theres just one stack there instead of two. Its hard to adjust when you've lost someone at christmas. The best way to describe loss in general truthfully is like having your heart ripped out. Its like having a part of you taken and Leon was and still is a part of me. Hearts are fragile, living with a broken one hurts. My heart is still broken three years on and it will continue to for a long time. You learn to cope but there will always be a part missing.

Recently my mum and I have sorted Leon's room out. This was a hard thing to do and it has taken 3 years to pluck up the courage. We still have all his things in there as they were, all his beloved football stuff, clothes, toys, everything. We wanted to try and turn it in to a place where we can go and sit quietly. A peaceful place. We put fairy lights in there and bean bags.

Ive had some real lows in Leon's room where i've been tears going mad because I wanted to be able to just give him another cuddle but I knew I couldn't. Ive sat in there and spoken to him because I know he's listening. I still hear him in my head shouting 'TAYO'.

The Christmas tree still goes up because we know Leon would want that. After all he loved christmas and although he's not here in flesh, he's here in spirit.xxx

My Brother Leonx

 



Ever since Leon was brought in to my life my mum would tell me that I woud give him loads of hugs and kisses because I adored him so much. Ive always wanted to protect him because I loved him so much. We really were like two peas in a pod. If I were to right all of the special memories we had it would take me forever. All I can say is that he was a blessing in my life and that he was a special boy always caring about others, talented, beautiful and funny. People just fell in love with him, his personality was contagous. He never failed to put a smile on my mum and I's faces.

I mean it when I say I feel he was too special for this earth and that his short stay was because he was needed in heaven. Heaven is a lot better than this earth full of good and bad people.
3 years ago my life was turned upside down. We had just come off our holiday in the summer and Leon began to get a headache. We took him to the doctors but he was just sent away with paracetamol. He was getting worse and worse no one could have predicted that this was something seriously life threating. He was in pain with the headache. We took him to the hospital but again he was sent away. We stayed at my nans during this. I gave Leon our favourite ice lollies because everything else he ate only came up again. It got to the point of which we had to take him back to the hospital. I stayed at my nans with my grandad whilst my mum and nan took him. I stayed up all night with my grandad. I knew something wasn't right. My dad went to the hospital.

The next morning. I woke up to my nan and grandad in the next room sitting on the end of the bed. They then told me that Leon was very ill. I ran down the stairs screaming. Later on we went to the hospital, I was in a state of shock when I saw Leon fitting. He was brain dead. I was trying to make sense of what was happening because one minute I was happily on holiday and the next I was at the hospital having to see my brother in this way. Even writing this now makes me feel sick to my stomach.Later on in the week Leon was transferred to a hospital in London. We would visit everyday. I would go and see him, I couldn't speak. He was asleep, all tubed up. I remember hearing dizzie rascal-Holiday playing in the background. He liked Dizzie Rascal. All this time we would sit anxiously in the parents room fearing the worst. Everytime that we travelled home in thhe evening I would pray that he would be ok. I would imagine my life without him for a second, I can't even put into words how I felt.

The next day we went back up. The day was going by more family members at the hospital. We were sat in the parents room. Everyone went outside and told me to stay in the room. I knew it wasn't good. My dad walked in to the room and told me we had lost him. I kept saying that I want my brother back.

And that was it. From that day on I felt like I hadn't got a life left to live. How would me and my mum go home again and live there without Leon. What am I gonna do without him.  I felt dead inside. I was exhausted.

Leon was 10 and I was 13. He's now my star. Death will never tear us apart because were unbreakable. We will always be together forever.xx

Christmasx

Christmas is meant to be a time for happiness and quality time with family. It used to be like this for me. When I was younger I would get a real festive buzz. My brother and I would colate lists of all the things we wanted and then my mum would take us down to the post box outside my road and post it to santi. We would watch christmas movies like elf, santa claus and the grinch. We would enjoy putting out christmas tree up and decoratting it to our hearts content.

But life is'nt like that anymore, its not a happy fairytale. Now that brother is not here this time of year doesn't feel like its worth spending. I don't have anyone to share the excitement with and instead of christmas feeling happy and joyful it feels lonely and sad. We would go to my nans for christmas and before my brothers death it would be the best time of year. I miss that feeling of not being able to go to sleep because my brother and I were way to excited. I miss the feeling of getting up at silly o clock to open presents. Its like my brother was the star on top of the tree, without the star your tree is incomplete a bit like my families life and christmas now.

I feel as if I am still stuck in the past and that in my heart I will always be young. This year has been one of the most challenging, facing the pressures of GCSE'S suffering from panic attacks, losing friends that I thought were true, starting sixth form, but most importantly living for the 3rd year without my Leon.

My message to people is that when you look upon the gifts and the novelty of christmas look at the people that surround you because they are the real gifts. Also think of the disadvanaged, the people on thier own this christmas, the homeless,the poor, the unhappy, the parents who have lost thier children to the gun attack in America, Peter Andre losing his brother so close to christmas and all the other people who have to spend christmas without loved ones. Think of them.xxx

Tayo x